''In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him. ''



Today , I text in the psychic channel I used to work on , mostly due to extreme boredom and as much as I hate to admit it the part of me that forgot the crock alot of the Psychics chat in order to earn that £1.50 per minute and instead I became the lost vunerable person looking for someone else to give me some guidance... We all do it tho right?

Anyway, I got three cards and being a tarot reader Myself I knew the importance of them.

Two of Cups
The Lovers
The Heirophant

Jo who did my reading basicly said, Everything feels up in the air at the moment but you have your true love with you and that's all you need.

I didn't really need to pay £1.50 to know it but I realised part of the beauty of tarot is that sometimes it just reminds you of things that are easy to forget and usefull to remember. I'm still unsure if it's an accident that it almost always makes sense to the person you read for, or my ussually favourite idea that magic exists.

I used to believe in magic. Infact I might have just lived in it for a while.

I haven't done tarot for about two months, Firstly I think when I feel negative I don't feel that it would be helpfull for anyone I read for because I can't motivate or soothe people if I cant do it for myself. Also I'm drained beyond belief to the point that company exhausts me most days and I would rather lie in my bed and chain smoke untill it's time to sleep.

I'm not unhappy, As far as I can tell but My old friend deppression gets its evil grip on me every so often and as much as I can rationalise things its sometimes hard to see past the sadness that lingers around me every so often.

Mike , is Brilliant . He understands without need for clarification and when Im weak he will wash my hair, force me out the house and bring me treats to my bed. Best of all he Loves me as I am and I love him more than I thought I was capapble of. For the first time in my adult life the love and heart side of things is the constant and the steady and the strong. I like to think of him as my reward for ploughing through all the rubbish one's I previously found Myself entangled with.


I Wonder
I wonder restlessly next to the man I love where he goes when he sleeps.
I wonder how I can rest halfway between how beautiful he is convinced I am and how ugly the world convinced me I was.
I wonder how a cynic fell in love so fully after bleeding love onto those who promised love but did not mean love.
I wonder how effortlessly everything became Ours. Even the world.
I wonder so many things about these silent feelings, these silent thoughts so massive I can't see where they begin or end.
I wonder how it fits into this tattered heart,
This mind, This bed.