They told me Everything will be OK, I didnt believe them.

This will always be the Year I......

• This will always be the Year I dyed my hair pink.
• This will always be the Year I Became a Tv Psychic for a few months on a whim.
• This will always be the Year I learnt magic, or rather understood the magic I had been doing by accident.
  
• I learnt what real love is, not just soppy style crap or unrequited rubbish. Cleaning up your sick with his barehands kind of Love.
• This will always be the Year I learnt that I define Love by stories about sick alot.
• This will always be the Year I gave up being a habitual weed smoker.
• This will always be the Year I realised I had to say goodbye to the past and his friends and his ghosts.
  
• This will always be the Year I stopped crying. ( little and often nowdays, as opposed to crying almost every night for 4 years)

• This will always be the Year We got Charlie Brookered in the Guardian.
• This will always be the Year I I became a Fairy God Mother
• This will always be the Year I got very Fat & Very Happy
  

You Mean More Than This.

I have always used words to fill the gaps in my existance
I used them to communicate the sadness I have suffered
I have used the page to bleed my broken heart onto
Untill there was nothing left to bleed out.
I can write about all those times I felt pain.
A strange sort of therapy I never understood.
I can fill pages of the past.
But when it comes too you
I can't find the words
If I could I would write a love song
It would be about you
It would be the last thing I ever write.
I think you know this too.

Writing Ideas for a Friend

Who plays beautiful music, in the hope he will soon be brave enough to show the world his beauty.


1st Song:

About Loss and Not saying goodbye to a pet. ( Rough 1st draft)



They taught me all sorts of things
I can add,
I can subtract and multiply
But they never taught me how to say goodbye

The lessons learnt from you and the rest
was to test,
was to test
The way in which we say goodbye

Oh how it can make or break what came before

For that journey I can't forget....
I am smothered in regret...
Sent to death
Sent to death
I'll never know
where lost souls
go
when they die

Then they buried you in the ground
Death costs the living tithes in tears
I felt lost in this
But lost is the price
of getting found




2nd song (rough 1st draft)

Self explanatory.

When your lover loves another


You hit me like a ton of bricks
Another day hungover trawling paths of the same old things, I felt like a prick, but you changed everything
it's the little things I noticed about you
Its the big things that matter
You liked me but I loved you
Electric shocks
Can turn hearts to rocks
That crumble in the wake of realisations I found hard to take
There was our time, spent on easy conversation and in my case restless waiting
For the next step that was dreamt up only to be knocked down
I believed you were the one
I believed
But connections can rot like people do
And you loved another but I loved you

Where is your heart...

Does your Heart crumble and fall out of your chest?
When you get that promotion will you become someone else?
A sea of faces, A friend in none.
I don't think this is normal, nor is anyone.
We strive for things that plainly don't matter
Where is your heart?
Is it washed down and out,
In this illusionary brain scatter?
Facts and Figures. Numbers. Time
I am not theirs, nor are they mine.
Your money means nothing to me.
Nor Your car, your house, your ten year plan.
I am an alien in this strange Land.
Because it all means nothing to me.
If you have a second to spare please ask yourself..
Where is your heart?
Will it crumble and fall out of your chest?
When you get that extra dollar, will you become someone else?
Where is your heart?
Will it crumble and fall out of your chest?
And if I keep on keeping on, will I become someone else?

I Take Your Marilyn and I Raise You A Greta

''I never said, 'I want to be alone.

' I only said, 'I want to be left alone.'
There is all the difference. ''

An Island

I guess in all the madness of my life
I learnt one thing again and again.
Eteched in tears and laughter is the fact:
I am an island and no boats can reach my shore
Now many people have splashed in the water surrounding me
Desperate to join me and my restless mind
These people now have small tokens of my affection
Small pieces of my heart drifting around in the water.
In the times where there is dark or light
My island still remains just me, My life, My choices

My mess

Is this what growing is?
Like you say
It's easier to realise that in all of this.
This great big game, this great big trial
we are alone.
Than to lie to yourself.
To carry a niave belief that when people invade you that they stay forever
without taking away any fragment of whats yours.
I guess I have learnt the hard way
As soon as you rely on someone to understand, to see you through.
That's when you suffer
That's when things start to go downwards.
Down..
Down...
Down...
I put a flag up today, It's flying on the shore
It's a sign my Island wont surrender to invasion anymore

Passing observations of the repetition of the same old things.

Small glimpses into ghosts I once knew
Passing observations of the repetition of the same old things.
Being the comfy person everyone wants them to be.
Fitting in the sillohette painted like a web.
The same friends, The same mindset, Bigger playgrounds.
A house replacing the room in their childhood homes.
I wonder if it's enough.
I sometimes realise quite unfortunately when meeting ghosts who once meant so much , that they dont mean so much to me, nor me to them.
A forgetten familiarity that doesn't quite seem to fit,
No matter how hard you want or try to force it.
I find I change all the time, and people , well they don't seem to like it.
Everyone get's so tied down to an idea or an instance and forget that I am neither of those things.
They forget that none of us are those things.
I find it hard. Stagnance.
I want to run when Im stuck and when I can't I wilt.
My mind and heart start to drift
Unless my soul finds my body I am somewhere else.
I live in this place, more or less,
Unless I am allowed to go somewhere else and be someone else.

Raw

Everything Is Endless
Pointless
Circles
Sqaures.
An unfickle and sentimental creature has no place in this world.
For everything comes and goes
Back round again
Too and Fro again.
I taught Myself how to deal with lonely once.
I needed nothing and no one
For I knew back then what Something and Someone can do to a person.
It can break her, isolate her and change her.
So I survived. A self contained unit in a world full of them.
BAM
Something changed.
Lonely became a distant dull memory.
Foolish Girl
For nothing,
Nothing changed.
Because in the end You just have to deal with the Lonely again, You just have to deal with the hurt again.
Thats why I closed down.
I Understood Raw from a young age.
I understood hurt from a young age.
To Be prised open and pulled out
Like a snail turned to a slug seperated from shell.
I am raw once again.
Im alone once again.

Always with love

It was always with love
The heady mix of fags and booze
The unmade beds we slept in
Wired for days
Tired for days
The fights
Those nights
The raised voices
The soft voices used to soothe your soul
Nights it got lost
Nights we were cross
Your hand, My hand
The endless game we didnt want to play
The anger, the absolute all encompassing anger
The weakness, the holes in armour, the explosions of weakness
The breakdowns
It was all in Love
If I ever hurt you
When I made the mistakes
When I pointed out your mistakes
When I let you win
When I wouldnt stop till I won
When I can't bear to see you happy
When I would do anything to keep you from sadness
When I stay awake all night thinking of ways to dissapear
When I dont talk much
When I talk too much
Its always with love
When Im nothing anyone needs
When Im hiding so much even I dont know where I am
When Im making your life a misery
When Im making your bed
When I leave
When I say goodbye
It will always be with Love

My Afternoon with Bukowski.

Time passes by
Always with the drinking and smoking
The women they pass through.
Leaving scratches and bites and a bloodied heart that should have known better.
An old drunk dead man talks to me through time.
Publicy bleeding, picking at your wounds.
I saw a picture of your grave and all these groupies
Bringing a six pack of beer and a full deck
Some sort of fitting tribute in the lowest form
I guess you would have liked that.
I wonder if your still the same.

Little me

Little me gave her heart away so easily
I was an open wound bleeding sadness on anyone who would listen
and He wouldn't listen.
I was pushing life around
A bully of fate
Who took baths in hate for those who broke her
Someone washed me clean
Someone washed me clean
Ive been stitching my frock of survival
Repairing the glitches in my machine

and You make me better
and You make it easier

I Know, He Knows,

When You left,
Even the walls knew I was sad.
Everything was looking at me in pity.
All these inanimate objects dirtied by the presence of my weakness.
All these far away friends not caring to look any deeper than what they wanted to see.
I couldn't stand the thought of who I had let myself become.
He said when He met me he knew.
But I could stand the knowing looks, because I knew he understood.
I knew he knew I wasn't that person
I realised then forever I had been looking for someone to fix me and in doing so
the only people I had in return became people who wanted me to fix them.
All these broken people pushing shards off their broken hearts into other people so they can feel
more than nothing and less than lonely.
When you left I realised there was no one coming to save me.
My sadness might be here to stay forever, but perhaps one day someone could love that too.
I allowed myself in the warmth of Love that is Love and not a thinly veiled war to let it all go
and that girl faded and fell away.
Most people nowdays just remind me of Someone I would rather forget I ever was.
I want to take a journey far away and live by the sea.

''In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him. ''



Today , I text in the psychic channel I used to work on , mostly due to extreme boredom and as much as I hate to admit it the part of me that forgot the crock alot of the Psychics chat in order to earn that £1.50 per minute and instead I became the lost vunerable person looking for someone else to give me some guidance... We all do it tho right?

Anyway, I got three cards and being a tarot reader Myself I knew the importance of them.

Two of Cups
The Lovers
The Heirophant

Jo who did my reading basicly said, Everything feels up in the air at the moment but you have your true love with you and that's all you need.

I didn't really need to pay £1.50 to know it but I realised part of the beauty of tarot is that sometimes it just reminds you of things that are easy to forget and usefull to remember. I'm still unsure if it's an accident that it almost always makes sense to the person you read for, or my ussually favourite idea that magic exists.

I used to believe in magic. Infact I might have just lived in it for a while.

I haven't done tarot for about two months, Firstly I think when I feel negative I don't feel that it would be helpfull for anyone I read for because I can't motivate or soothe people if I cant do it for myself. Also I'm drained beyond belief to the point that company exhausts me most days and I would rather lie in my bed and chain smoke untill it's time to sleep.

I'm not unhappy, As far as I can tell but My old friend deppression gets its evil grip on me every so often and as much as I can rationalise things its sometimes hard to see past the sadness that lingers around me every so often.

Mike , is Brilliant . He understands without need for clarification and when Im weak he will wash my hair, force me out the house and bring me treats to my bed. Best of all he Loves me as I am and I love him more than I thought I was capapble of. For the first time in my adult life the love and heart side of things is the constant and the steady and the strong. I like to think of him as my reward for ploughing through all the rubbish one's I previously found Myself entangled with.


I Wonder
I wonder restlessly next to the man I love where he goes when he sleeps.
I wonder how I can rest halfway between how beautiful he is convinced I am and how ugly the world convinced me I was.
I wonder how a cynic fell in love so fully after bleeding love onto those who promised love but did not mean love.
I wonder how effortlessly everything became Ours. Even the world.
I wonder so many things about these silent feelings, these silent thoughts so massive I can't see where they begin or end.
I wonder how it fits into this tattered heart,
This mind, This bed.

Going To Sleep.

Go back to sleep little girl
I know your tired , I am too.
Go back to a world where you can lose yourselves in idea's and outfits.
Go back to switching off and smiling.
Stop tearing everything up to shreds.
Give its a rest little girl, Give yourself a rest.
You cant live in a different planet and still not think your good enough for anyone.
No ones going to look after You.
Maybe you should just learn to look after yourself.
Go back to sleep little girl.
I know your tired, I am too.

...

Who told you I was strong?
Was it me with my words and my way?
Who told you I was strong?
Whoever 'they' were ,
'they' were wrong.

Did you just assume I would survive?

I thought you were weak
I thought you were weak
Im just a baby
Im just a baby
I want to be adored

When you came with your words and your eyes I was blindsided.
Wasnt I lucky?
I used to think of myself as lucky.
I crumbled into a million pieces
I am Scattered in a million pieces
Where are you?

I was cared for once
It wasnt enough
I'm crumbling
I'm scattered
Pieces please find me.

Nothing can cease to matter anymore like it did when you mattered.
I can't be a baby when Im no ones baby
I want to be adored.
I thought you were weak.
I thought I was strong.
I was wrong.

When does it end?

Its been three months I think. altho I can't be sure, it seems like a week sometimes and other times it seems as tho it's been forever.

I'm sat in work, Listening on headphones to songs while I work and from nowhere I stumble across a song, and in my isolation in a room with 4 people I start to weep.

When does it end?

If anyone knows will you let me know?

I didn't think anyone understood but the words of the song let me know at somepoint someone understood exactly:

Oh my friends.
I've begun to worry, right
Where i should be grateful, I should be sattisfied.
Oh my heart would clap and dance in place with my friends.
I have so much pleasure to embrace.
But my heart has returned to sister winter
But my heart is as cold as ice...
Oh my thoughts I return to summertime
When I kissed you
I kissed you through the night
All my gifts I gave everything to You
Your strange Imagination,
You threw it all of it away
Now my heart I returned to sister winter
Now my heart is as cold as ice
Oh my friends I have returned to sister winter
Oh my friends, I apoligiseI apoligise

Fish

.
We both choose to scribble our hearts lament
I chose paper and you chose cement
We both choose to live
I choose to live in my head
Baby, you choose to just live in this tangeable universe we were given.
The universe holds no place for a girl like me.
When we were together
Merged together
Theres was just no room for me anymore.
Theres was just no room for you anymore.
It got ill when I needed you most.
It got ill when I needed you most.
I got ill when You needed me most.
We both chose to scribble our hearts lament
I chose you, you choose cement

Karen

I know your sadness .
I see it in the mirror everyday.
I know your fear.
I live with it everyday.
I've never been sure where it came from.
We have to love it musn't we.
Because it is ours.
Beacuse its Ours to share.
When you want to hide under your skin
I will find You
When your not sure where you begin
I will find You.
Im just as scared as You, Fragile like you,fighting a war like you are.
for what feels like forever.
Just know when you want to hide under your skin
I will find You
When your not sure where you begin.
I will find You.


Love You x

'They'

They had a great way of taking all that was great about Me
Holding up some less than perfect mirror and reflecting it back as less
Untill all I could see was everything I lacked
The saving grace is 'they' never mattered too much to me.
I'm not even sure who 'they' were.
To feel incomplete
To fall down
To lack something
is natural
Im still learning.