I Take Your Marilyn and I Raise You A Greta

''I never said, 'I want to be alone.

' I only said, 'I want to be left alone.'
There is all the difference. ''

An Island

I guess in all the madness of my life
I learnt one thing again and again.
Eteched in tears and laughter is the fact:
I am an island and no boats can reach my shore
Now many people have splashed in the water surrounding me
Desperate to join me and my restless mind
These people now have small tokens of my affection
Small pieces of my heart drifting around in the water.
In the times where there is dark or light
My island still remains just me, My life, My choices

My mess

Is this what growing is?
Like you say
It's easier to realise that in all of this.
This great big game, this great big trial
we are alone.
Than to lie to yourself.
To carry a niave belief that when people invade you that they stay forever
without taking away any fragment of whats yours.
I guess I have learnt the hard way
As soon as you rely on someone to understand, to see you through.
That's when you suffer
That's when things start to go downwards.
Down..
Down...
Down...
I put a flag up today, It's flying on the shore
It's a sign my Island wont surrender to invasion anymore

Passing observations of the repetition of the same old things.

Small glimpses into ghosts I once knew
Passing observations of the repetition of the same old things.
Being the comfy person everyone wants them to be.
Fitting in the sillohette painted like a web.
The same friends, The same mindset, Bigger playgrounds.
A house replacing the room in their childhood homes.
I wonder if it's enough.
I sometimes realise quite unfortunately when meeting ghosts who once meant so much , that they dont mean so much to me, nor me to them.
A forgetten familiarity that doesn't quite seem to fit,
No matter how hard you want or try to force it.
I find I change all the time, and people , well they don't seem to like it.
Everyone get's so tied down to an idea or an instance and forget that I am neither of those things.
They forget that none of us are those things.
I find it hard. Stagnance.
I want to run when Im stuck and when I can't I wilt.
My mind and heart start to drift
Unless my soul finds my body I am somewhere else.
I live in this place, more or less,
Unless I am allowed to go somewhere else and be someone else.

Raw

Everything Is Endless
Pointless
Circles
Sqaures.
An unfickle and sentimental creature has no place in this world.
For everything comes and goes
Back round again
Too and Fro again.
I taught Myself how to deal with lonely once.
I needed nothing and no one
For I knew back then what Something and Someone can do to a person.
It can break her, isolate her and change her.
So I survived. A self contained unit in a world full of them.
BAM
Something changed.
Lonely became a distant dull memory.
Foolish Girl
For nothing,
Nothing changed.
Because in the end You just have to deal with the Lonely again, You just have to deal with the hurt again.
Thats why I closed down.
I Understood Raw from a young age.
I understood hurt from a young age.
To Be prised open and pulled out
Like a snail turned to a slug seperated from shell.
I am raw once again.
Im alone once again.

Always with love

It was always with love
The heady mix of fags and booze
The unmade beds we slept in
Wired for days
Tired for days
The fights
Those nights
The raised voices
The soft voices used to soothe your soul
Nights it got lost
Nights we were cross
Your hand, My hand
The endless game we didnt want to play
The anger, the absolute all encompassing anger
The weakness, the holes in armour, the explosions of weakness
The breakdowns
It was all in Love
If I ever hurt you
When I made the mistakes
When I pointed out your mistakes
When I let you win
When I wouldnt stop till I won
When I can't bear to see you happy
When I would do anything to keep you from sadness
When I stay awake all night thinking of ways to dissapear
When I dont talk much
When I talk too much
Its always with love
When Im nothing anyone needs
When Im hiding so much even I dont know where I am
When Im making your life a misery
When Im making your bed
When I leave
When I say goodbye
It will always be with Love

My Afternoon with Bukowski.

Time passes by
Always with the drinking and smoking
The women they pass through.
Leaving scratches and bites and a bloodied heart that should have known better.
An old drunk dead man talks to me through time.
Publicy bleeding, picking at your wounds.
I saw a picture of your grave and all these groupies
Bringing a six pack of beer and a full deck
Some sort of fitting tribute in the lowest form
I guess you would have liked that.
I wonder if your still the same.

Little me

Little me gave her heart away so easily
I was an open wound bleeding sadness on anyone who would listen
and He wouldn't listen.
I was pushing life around
A bully of fate
Who took baths in hate for those who broke her
Someone washed me clean
Someone washed me clean
Ive been stitching my frock of survival
Repairing the glitches in my machine

and You make me better
and You make it easier

I Know, He Knows,

When You left,
Even the walls knew I was sad.
Everything was looking at me in pity.
All these inanimate objects dirtied by the presence of my weakness.
All these far away friends not caring to look any deeper than what they wanted to see.
I couldn't stand the thought of who I had let myself become.
He said when He met me he knew.
But I could stand the knowing looks, because I knew he understood.
I knew he knew I wasn't that person
I realised then forever I had been looking for someone to fix me and in doing so
the only people I had in return became people who wanted me to fix them.
All these broken people pushing shards off their broken hearts into other people so they can feel
more than nothing and less than lonely.
When you left I realised there was no one coming to save me.
My sadness might be here to stay forever, but perhaps one day someone could love that too.
I allowed myself in the warmth of Love that is Love and not a thinly veiled war to let it all go
and that girl faded and fell away.
Most people nowdays just remind me of Someone I would rather forget I ever was.
I want to take a journey far away and live by the sea.

''In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him. ''



Today , I text in the psychic channel I used to work on , mostly due to extreme boredom and as much as I hate to admit it the part of me that forgot the crock alot of the Psychics chat in order to earn that £1.50 per minute and instead I became the lost vunerable person looking for someone else to give me some guidance... We all do it tho right?

Anyway, I got three cards and being a tarot reader Myself I knew the importance of them.

Two of Cups
The Lovers
The Heirophant

Jo who did my reading basicly said, Everything feels up in the air at the moment but you have your true love with you and that's all you need.

I didn't really need to pay £1.50 to know it but I realised part of the beauty of tarot is that sometimes it just reminds you of things that are easy to forget and usefull to remember. I'm still unsure if it's an accident that it almost always makes sense to the person you read for, or my ussually favourite idea that magic exists.

I used to believe in magic. Infact I might have just lived in it for a while.

I haven't done tarot for about two months, Firstly I think when I feel negative I don't feel that it would be helpfull for anyone I read for because I can't motivate or soothe people if I cant do it for myself. Also I'm drained beyond belief to the point that company exhausts me most days and I would rather lie in my bed and chain smoke untill it's time to sleep.

I'm not unhappy, As far as I can tell but My old friend deppression gets its evil grip on me every so often and as much as I can rationalise things its sometimes hard to see past the sadness that lingers around me every so often.

Mike , is Brilliant . He understands without need for clarification and when Im weak he will wash my hair, force me out the house and bring me treats to my bed. Best of all he Loves me as I am and I love him more than I thought I was capapble of. For the first time in my adult life the love and heart side of things is the constant and the steady and the strong. I like to think of him as my reward for ploughing through all the rubbish one's I previously found Myself entangled with.


I Wonder
I wonder restlessly next to the man I love where he goes when he sleeps.
I wonder how I can rest halfway between how beautiful he is convinced I am and how ugly the world convinced me I was.
I wonder how a cynic fell in love so fully after bleeding love onto those who promised love but did not mean love.
I wonder how effortlessly everything became Ours. Even the world.
I wonder so many things about these silent feelings, these silent thoughts so massive I can't see where they begin or end.
I wonder how it fits into this tattered heart,
This mind, This bed.